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Joining me in the studio today is Peter Judd. this is a bit of a personal podcast for me as Pete is one of my best friends. Let me tell you, we’ve had some crazy sessions together, but now we spent our time going out for dinner and hitting the gym. And then tell me, how did that escalate into your using cocaine?
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My marriage had failed. My business was gone. Everything I’ve worked for was just not there anymore. When you’re looking back, what else do you think contributed to your drug use? Obviously my depression, I knew what the problems were, but I just couldn’t figure out a way to get out of it. What people don’t understand about cocaine is it starts off in a social environment, and before you know it, or you’re sat at home yourself for 2 or 3 days, there were so many low points for me.
00:00:40:08 – 00:01:00:22
It was a really bad time. Let’s be fair. You know, I was living in a spare room at one point. The worst thing that I lost as a city was. The or addiction issues that come with me. Me me me. Hello, I’m Eliot World and welcome to another episode of Coming Clean with me. Joining me in the studio today is Peter Judd.
00:01:00:24 – 00:01:20:16
Pete grew up in a middle class family. One of three children, he was sent to a boarding school at a young age and from his late teens, Pete worked as a doorman in various clubs. He earned a formidable reputation in the security industry in his mid to late 20s. It all came crashing down after the collapse of his marriage, when he then became dependent on cocaine.
00:01:20:18 – 00:01:42:02
Today, he owns a portfolio of nightclubs and holds senior positions within large corporations. And this is a bit of a personal podcast for me as PS, one of my best friends. And let me tell you, we’ve had some crazy sessions together, but now we spend our time going out for dinner and hitting the gym. And without further ado, let me introduce you, my brother from another mother, Pete Judd.
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Hey, mate. Hey. Good by yourself? I’m very good. Thank you for joining me. Good, sir. Good sir. Pete. So you tell me. Always like growing up for you as a child. I come from a pretty middle class family, as you said. or shipped off to a boarding school at a pretty young age. I think it’s about 12% of the boarding school.
00:02:01:05 – 00:02:20:13
yeah, I think my parents felt I had that potential. there were other issues and dynamics within my family. I think me and my brother were ideally split up. he was said to live on a farm down in Dorset. and I was shipped off to a boarding school. I think, yeah, there was a number of reasons behind it.
00:02:20:13 – 00:02:42:07
I think the idea was to to get us both settled and, you know, give us a chance to succeed. Okay. And then you started working on the door. You worked in various clubs. Tell me about that. Yeah. So I started quite young. The age of 18. I first started working the door. I was, you know, if you go back to my school years, you know, I was shipped off to a really expensive boarding school.
00:02:42:09 – 00:03:01:18
I was a bit of a cat out of wool, you know, fish out of water, if you like. everyone was intelligent. Everyone was bright. you know, everyone was better than me at that. for me, I excelled in sports, and I think I naturally didn’t really know where I was going to kind of go in life.
00:03:01:20 – 00:03:23:02
came out from there and literally started this 9 to 5 job and, you know, double, double time and working nights, five nights a week on the dole. Okay. Okay. And then tell me, how did that escalate into your using cocaine? I, I lived a pretty adventurous, youth, I think. which that kind of industries. Pretty ancestral.
00:03:23:04 – 00:03:45:16
you mix with some interesting characters. I think, probably took a a few wrong turns along the way. went through some, some terrible relationships and, you know, made a lot of mistakes, I think. I came out of one marriage and just, you know, I don’t have to describe it or just hit a wall.
00:03:45:18 – 00:04:06:06
everything that I thought I wanted out of life, was no longer possible for me. everything that I’d achieved to that point, I’d done really well when I was young. my really, really good money. And, you know, I think a lot of friends of mine had who’d been to the same school as me, they went to university, and I was far exceeding anyone’s expectations.
00:04:06:08 – 00:04:28:15
at that stage. Yeah, everything pretty much came crashing down. I don’t really know how it started. you sold your company? Yeah, I saw your marriage was over. I sold off my shares of the company to keep myself going. I no longer had that desire to work. because I didn’t mean I was doing it for.
00:04:28:17 – 00:04:47:14
I think at the time when I was younger, when I was married, I was like, yeah, you know, provide a future for everybody. Put a roof over everybody’s head. that was, you know, the the carpet was pulled from under me for like, from that point, I yeah, I fell into drugs and it was I think it it might be an escape for me.
00:04:47:16 – 00:05:07:16
I mean, I was quite a closed book, I think when you and me first met, I was a really close book. Yeah, I think there were a lot of factors that went wrong in my life. you know, it was a very similar time. You and I both both lost one of our best friends. Yeah. which ended up you and me meeting.
00:05:07:18 – 00:05:32:17
I think, you know, my marriage had failed my business was was gone. everything I’d worked for was kind of just not really there anymore. And I think I was kind of trying to work out who I was, because I was such a closed book. I think the, you know, cocaine is one of those things that kind of you start to talk, you get into an environment where you don’t stop talking.
00:05:32:23 – 00:05:51:09
And I think for me, I was like, well, you know what? For someone in somebody so much. Yeah. you know, I was Mr. Chatty at the party. You know, this is true. And for those. I mean, I know Pete very well, as I said, but Pete is very quiet when we go out. He’s the he’s just in the background, doesn’t really say much.
00:05:51:11 – 00:06:05:13
And then at the end of the night is when these people go like, yeah, I had a great fucking time. Great time. We just sat in the back of the room, didn’t even say anything. That that’s how you are, right? Yeah. I’m watching. I’m a people watcher. I like to be in the back of out front, around, and, I don’t really like to be that.
00:06:05:13 – 00:06:29:21
The attention of a of of people’s interest. I don’t really I don’t think I let many people in. Does that make sense? you know, to this day, I’ve got a handful of friends, and they’ve been friends of mine for for 20 or 30 years. I’ve always kept my life very, very private. And at this stage, cocaine gave me that opportunity to actually open up and talk about, you know, we had some mad 2 or 3 day sessions.
00:06:29:22 – 00:06:54:01
We would sit there for the whole fucking world to rights. And, you know, we were fantastic politicians in them days. and, and yeah, it it really brought me out of myself. I think it gave me the opportunity to express myself. Yeah. and that’s something that I think I bottled up for so many years. to me, it was addictive that that personality that it gave me was addictive.
00:06:54:03 – 00:07:14:13
but again, what people don’t understand about cocaine is it starts off in a social environment, and before you know it, you know, you’re sat at home by yourself for 2 or 3 days. to, you know, is sold. It can be so dark and so soul destroying. yeah. But it, you know, it it didn’t take me long to get there and I think.
00:07:14:19 – 00:07:32:11
Yeah. And then and how frequently we used. And then in the end. Yeah. Every day daily, you know, as I said to you once, you know, Mondays, Tuesdays, anytime the end of the war, I was happy to go for it, you know. Yeah. You know what? What was my favorite sign in the in the day? Well, what was it?
00:07:32:13 – 00:07:50:19
it’s still early. It’s still early. Still is. those words go away for the rest of my life. for. And when it’s it’s still early. Should we do just one last at a bit? I might still early. It’s 4:00 in the morning. We’ve got we’ve got 2 or 3 days to go. That’s true. And, well, you were dry sniffer, right?
00:07:50:24 – 00:08:14:18
Yeah, I could do with drink. I could do it without drink. I could do it with people. Without people. I think in the end, in the, you know, in the second half, I mean, I’ve lost all self respect for myself, and everything that I’d, I think I’d, I’d, I’d work for and the respect I’d done over the years was gone.
00:08:14:20 – 00:08:34:10
and yeah, I could sit there and destroy myself for 2 or 3 days. yeah. It’s resolved. Destroyed. but, yeah, I could go with drink without drink. I wasn’t fussy, you know, but it’s interesting because although cocaine was an issue and challenge for you, alcohol really wasn’t, was it? No, no, I was yeah. Like, not at all.
00:08:34:11 – 00:08:55:02
I could take it or leave it still, you know, I never really drunk when you and I first met, I wasn’t really a drinker. And I’m still not really a massive drinker. Yeah. you know, I’m quite. I’d like to know how, I like to know I can get home. I like to know that, you know, I get quite anxious if I have to rely on sort of public transport or a lift home.
00:08:55:02 – 00:09:15:19
So I prefer not to not to go. I’m quite happy to go out and drive, drive, drive somewhere and drive home. you know, stay on soft drinks. But, yeah, back in the day, a drink was never an issue for me. Yeah, I think for you probably. Was that social anxiety, that confidence it gives you? Yeah, it was because, as you said, I was so quiet.
00:09:15:21 – 00:09:28:15
people used to look at me. I was I was a pig. I was a lump of a guy back in the day. and people used to look at me as the angry person in the room that never said anything of the just. I’ve just got one of those faces that just kind of looks angry and miserable, but.
00:09:28:17 – 00:09:47:02
Yeah. No, no. Yeah, it’s just one of those faces. But that wasn’t really me inside. I think it was just, you know, crying out. I just never knew what to say. And I think cocaine gave me that, that that confidence. And what was your low point? What was the lowest point that made you decide? I’ve got to decide now.
00:09:47:04 – 00:10:13:10
I always used to think, you know, I was quite intelligent. not. I wasn’t a lie. I was bright, but I was never academic. I there were many situations in my life where I could sit there, and I knew I was in a bad situation, but I could potentially think my way out of it. and I truly believe that cocaine really messes with your brain cells.
00:10:13:10 – 00:10:31:08
Because there were times where I was really addicted to cocaine. I just could not think of a life. It was just looking through fuzz. you can’t see the woods through the trees. I knew what the problems were, but I just couldn’t figure out a way to get out of it. there were so many low points for me.
00:10:31:10 – 00:10:51:01
yeah, it was a really bad time. it was a really bad time. You know, in all honesty, everything was over changed. Let’s be fair. You know, I was living in a spare room at one point. I everything I’d lost every penny I had. and, you know, I bought my first Range Rover for 21, 22 years old.
00:10:51:03 – 00:11:11:09
I was a successful guy. and, Yeah, I lost all within. Within a matter of 3 or 4 years. Stripped you of everything, does it? You know what? Not just financially. you know, it’s 1,000 pound a week problem. you know, you’d do that. You know, you do the simple maths. 52 weeks of the year.
00:11:11:11 – 00:11:43:02
Five years. You’re talking quarter of 1 million pound. Yeah. I not only did I lose financially, I, I lost my own dignity. I think I was the real issue for me. everybody who I was friends with, I, you know, I cut out my life, I think. And that wasn’t because necessarily, I think I was more embarrassed, you know, you know, of my family’s quite just especially in them days was what do you disperse and, you know, we were never a massively close family.
00:11:43:05 – 00:12:01:22
And I think the ones that I still were in contact with, I think I was more embarrassed to sit down as well. Yeah. Several times. yeah, I moved from I moved out of the environment. I was well, I was in a really ancestral town. I’ve lived and worked and for a lot of years and kind of everybody knew me and, you know, I moved away from there.
00:12:01:23 – 00:12:27:13
I moved away 2 or 3 times. There was a number, you know, that wasn’t just cocaine that did that. I think there were circumstances, but there was relationships going on there that was trying to, you know, trying to hold down relationships with those times. I think certainly if I look back on our past over those years, I think it certainly was a, a melting pot, so to speak, because there was you, there was me and there was I’m not going to say the names because they’re not sitting here.
00:12:27:13 – 00:12:43:15
That’s not my place to do. But, you know, the other people, when there was a little group, a little group and going out, we’ve not grown out and that we’ve never really tight knit brotherhood, really. You know, there’s a couple of us are still on here today. you know, there was there was five or 6 or 7 of us.
00:12:43:15 – 00:13:05:18
Yeah. you know, unfortunately, two of those aren’t here today. yeah. It’s hard. It’s. Do you think being around all of us that used as well made it more difficult for any one of us to get out at the time? 100%. I think we were. We were all a bad catalyst for each other. and in all honesty, you know this.
00:13:05:18 – 00:13:28:19
You know, I don’t think we ever really said this, but in the end, I had to leave. Yeah. I, I think I had the opportunity to get out, and, yeah, I moved town and just lost touch with people for a couple of years, and. Yeah. definitely. Do I get clean? Yeah, I to me, I kind of left you on the outside because I knew what you were going through and what you wouldn’t address, and I thought it was right for you.
00:13:28:20 – 00:13:49:04
Yeah, but I also think that it was meeting, your daughter’s mum was a massive help, 100%. you know, that’s a kind of a story in itself. You know, I I’ve been through a really a patch of two or 3 or 4 years with with a girl who also had drug problems. Yeah. and you know what?
00:13:49:05 – 00:14:07:00
Before we can move on to the to, the mother of your child, mother of Maddie, let’s just take a moment to think about that, because there was that girl in your life who was. Well, you both fucking nuts to me. Okay, but she was is not says you or is not, I think I think the way that someone described recovery was it was you.
00:14:07:02 – 00:14:27:01
But she was like a fuze. I was like a fucking bomb. And literally something would light her and literally, it would just erupt. And, you know, we couldn’t live with each other. We couldn’t live without each other to this day, you know. You know. Sure. Whether it was love, lust or just fucking hate for each other, I think it was sex, if I remember rightly.
00:14:27:02 – 00:14:49:15
I actually think it was just sex. Yeah, I think it was a question of coke. Sex shag. I think that was it. That was the reason. Yeah. But I think with both of you using it the time and the the relationship, there was some dynamic. I’m not sure I know it’s the explosive. Yeah. I was she was fucking nuts.
00:14:49:17 – 00:15:07:04
you know, I, I don’t yeah. If we were as bad as each other and we were, you know, it was a very toxic relationship. but I think, you know, I think in the, in the, in times, you know, I didn’t think we wanted to be with each other. I just don’t think either was one of them to be with, with someone else.
00:15:07:04 – 00:15:26:23
Does that make sense? Yeah. we both knew that relationship was so toxic. but, you know, we both had bloody problems, and. And you both used Getty. Yeah. You know, I think our relationship at that time was all based around drug use. That’s true. and, you know, if she had a really strong, you know, shit, a different job.
00:15:27:00 – 00:15:43:09
She worked nights. I was working days at the time. and she’d come home from work at 4:00 in the morning. Blah. Let’s go on a session. Well, Jesus. You know, I’m gonna be at work in a field house. work. I mean, let’s just get on it. And, Yeah, it was a really crazy situation to be in.
00:15:43:11 – 00:16:01:08
but we, you know, I don’t think we at that time, but I think we get away from each other. she, had her own issues to deal with. I had a lot of my own issues to deal with. I don’t think it was any resolving those where we were. We had the issues we did.
00:16:01:12 – 00:16:24:09
And when you were together, you were using. Because if you were using, you weren’t arguing. Yeah. I think we probably even argued when we were doing it, but, you know. yeah. And then you met and then let’s move forward that you met Maddie’s mum? Yeah. How did that help get you clean? Wow. She, It’s funny, actually, because I texted the other night and I said I was doing this, and, just to make sure that, you know the name of my personal.
00:16:24:10 – 00:16:44:24
She shouldn’t have an issue with anyway, but, you know, to this day, so much respect for her. actually, I’m going to say, because I’m not going to say a name either, but I’ve got 1,000% respect for you. You know who you are. we started dating. she’s one of these people, you know, she she she wouldn’t even break the speed limit.
00:16:44:24 – 00:17:06:15
She, you know, she’s so straight is untrue. you know, and I think that was a difficult thing as well is because she’d never been around someone who had drug problems or used drugs. I don’t think she could see the the the the the the, the symptoms of it. Does that make sense? Yes. There’s those little things that she couldn’t pick up on and didn’t identify.
00:17:06:17 – 00:17:28:12
so we started dating for three, four, five, maybe even six months. And, you know, we’d made plans, you know, it was very casual. You know, we can’t remember how we met. It was through a friend of a friend was like that. And, you know, we planned to do something at the weekend and, you know, come Friday night, I’d go out with you guys and I’ll turn my phone off, and I wouldn’t really sober up till Tuesday, and I didn’t turn my phone back on.
00:17:28:14 – 00:17:45:12
Yeah. Sorry. Weekends gone. you know, this carried on for a few months, so she she dropped. She dropped me. Takes 3 or 4, five months later, and I’m just like, Joe, think you’re really nice guy. think that, you know, I had high hopes for us, but, you know, it’s just. I think you like going out the weekend.
00:17:45:12 – 00:18:00:14
I think you like to meet birds and do whatever you want to do. I mean, you know, I, I can get fucking art, and I’ve done so much good. Jesus Christ, like, But, yeah, she she was like, you know, I think you want to go out and meet girls or whatever else and, you know, enjoy yourself.
00:18:00:14 – 00:18:20:22
And she wanted something more stable. And, she was, you know, she was amazing person, still is to say, you know, I’ve. We got a fantastic daughter together. and, she, you know, she dumped me. This is how it is. short, sharp pain. Yeah. It was. And, you know, for the first time, I kind of, you know, I think it went out.
00:18:20:22 – 00:18:34:23
Obsession. Yeah. Okay. Almost like what’s driving a lot of, And, Yeah, we, you know, I had a bit of a session. I had a bit of a crazy one on my own. 2 or 3 days later, I was like, you know, where that come down comes in it. It’s like you sit there and you put your life apart and you know what?
00:18:35:03 – 00:18:58:05
Especially I would say is that you have a slight tendency to have to be depressed and to have depressive thoughts. Yeah. I, you know, I, I was diagnosed with clinical depression from a really young age. I yeah, yeah, I’m a very high functioning manic depressive. that would be more of saying that, you know, I, I yeah, that’s that’s just that’s always been me.
00:18:58:05 – 00:19:16:03
Let’s be honest. you know, that’s one of my downfalls. But I think over the years I’ve learned to work with it and look to how to get the best out of it. so, yeah, I think, you know, she finished with me. I went on a bit of a session, you know, had that come down, I was like, oh, what was that?
00:19:16:03 – 00:19:33:11
This was an opportunity for me to get out. And, you know, I wasted that. And, I think at this stage I think she had blocked me on what was it, WhatsApp or two like I remember with WhatsApp was about them days. but, you know, I think I’ll turn around a house and lock the door. And I was like, look, you know, I’ve, you know, I’ve made a mistake.
00:19:33:11 – 00:20:06:05
And, I came out of the house a lot. I’m a drug addict. yeah. What was her response? It was a really tough conversation for me. someone who knew nothing about drugs. She took me in. She, She said, she said, you know, I want to help you. conditions are you move in with me.
00:20:06:07 – 00:20:35:12
and we start again. And we did. And I think to this day, I left where I was living, moved out, moved in with her, and slowly start again. Yeah. And it was like everything I’ve achieved to this day. Is that a and I said, we’ve got an a fantastic job we have to do. When you’re looking back, what else do you think you’ve contributed to your drug use?
00:20:35:14 – 00:20:59:05
obviously my depression was it was a massive issue to that. the life I lived when I was younger, I, I always struggled with the consequences of what I’d done. the morality of what had happened over the years. I think the two about working on the door. Yeah. I think a lot of the things that we did and we got up to, you know, it.
00:20:59:07 – 00:21:18:22
Yeah, I think I struggled with a lot of that, the dynamic of what had happened there. yeah. I think you you, you know, drugs or cocaine certainly gives you that ability to kind of have a, have a, you know, to blunt you don’t actually, let’s be honest, it doesn’t solve anything. You kind of bone your head in the sand on you.
00:21:18:24 – 00:21:40:08
You’re trying to numb the pain. That’s what drugs does. It numbs the pain. and especially when you’re doing it on your own, and you’re sitting there and you’re destroying yourself. Yeah. it is a very, yeah, there were there were times where you sit there and, you know, the way that you and I used to do drugs is we, you know, we take drugs to come up.
00:21:40:08 – 00:22:06:08
Yep. and then we’d be relying on Valium to bring us back down. Exactly. so there were plenty of times we wouldn’t use unless we had value. It’s actually. Yeah, 100%. We used to buy very many thousands that we we literally 5 or 6 was a cheapest, and we were buying bags of a thousand because we were going through and mean the people laugh and I think they think I think I’m bullshitting when I say we were dropped 10 or 15 billion or not ten, $15 a pound.
00:22:06:08 – 00:22:22:21
And yeah, and, you know, literally we used to say to ourselves, we need to get up to bed within 5 or 10 minutes because our legs won’t function. You go up the stage, remember, I suppose I should do well, I should do. We would sit there and be like, look, we’ve got ten minute stop gap now to get our asses up into bed because otherwise we won’t manage.
00:22:23:01 – 00:22:45:13
We’ll be carrying each other up the stairs for our legs shut out. and that’s. Yeah, that’s the way. And you know what? There were times where I would lie in bed. I feel like I’m fucking levitating. Right? And I was, I had a conversation with someone else about this years ago. I was. I’d lie there, and I would be so high and I’d be like, God, this is this for last time, you know, is this is this more time, you know, is something going to go pop now?
00:22:45:15 – 00:23:02:11
weirdly, years on later after that, I did end up having a heart attack. but, yeah, I used to lie there. My chest is beating, you know, my heart’s beating on my chest, and, And. Yeah, it. I used to lie there thinking, God, I’ve just I’ve, I’ve looked at this time and, But, yeah, we’re still here, so you didn’t you did you get paranoid with it?
00:23:02:13 – 00:23:31:09
I wasn’t too bad. No lie. Still remember that now? You know, I think it affects different people in different ways. I think that earlier on, it’s weird because, you know, when you were in our earlier you. I say careers, not really career, but, the career of using. Yeah. In the early days of using, we would honestly it was it was like it was such a we didn’t used to diagnose a lot of people now, like go out to a nightclub or go to a pub on a bar and and sit there and rack up a line of assistants.
00:23:31:09 – 00:23:53:20
Oh, what the fuck is that about? In all honesty? Like it’s disgusting. we were more social about it, you know, we’d probably go out for a few drinks and do a couple of bumps along the night, but really, we did head up back to someone’s house with me, and that would be we’d be there putting the worlds to rise, having some fantastic conversations and, you know, we’d really bond and, you know, drink and we’d be sat there for 2 or 3 deep.
00:23:53:20 – 00:24:10:06
Yeah, really deep conversations. And we thought we’d have a lot the same sort of conversations over and over again. Yeah, let’s be honest. I don’t know anybody that uses cocaine and doesn’t have the same conversations over and over again with their close friends. Yeah. You know, so we would have we’d find ourselves having the same conversation over and over again.
00:24:10:06 – 00:24:25:10
But, yeah, I in all honesty, as I said, you know, the dynamic, we’d never really do it out. I think there was a couple of times where, you know, we joined in Luton and Liquid Envy and places like that. We’d go in there and I think there was one time I can’t remember who was in there with.
00:24:25:10 – 00:24:40:17
But you know, you’re with a few people and I was I was actually in the toilets in the men’s cubicle, and I was racking one up on the back of this sort of looking pathetic and, and this doorman jumped over, I think he looked at me as I, well, fuck it, animists. And he was like, mate, just do me a favor and just, you know, I’ll put it wisely.
00:24:40:17 – 00:24:54:12
Yeah, yeah. And I was so I think you knew that we we in it was a big mistake. I think, to just to say to people listening and I think to add a caveat, when we went out, there was always a group of five, ten of us. Right? Yeah. And everybody we know trained everybody was a bit of a lump.
00:24:54:15 – 00:25:09:19
Yeah. And then you went into a bar. We knew all the doormen. Yeah. But wherever we went. So for us, I think it was slightly different. We got away with doing things that. Yes, that you could do. And I think in all honesty though, they thought, God, I don’t want try and get ML. You know, I was 18, 19 stone yeah.
00:25:09:21 – 00:25:24:22
and they were like, nah, bugger that. That’s, that’s that’s too much like hard work. Do me a favor. Might just put it away. Yeah. And but, you know, we weren’t bad like that. We’d always go back to someone’s house. you know, we’d spend our days and nights at people’s houses, but. Yeah, that that was how our usage, you know, was.
00:25:24:22 – 00:25:45:07
But yeah, it was all based around coming up and then coming down. Yeah. I always asked my guests, to share one of their crazy stories, but in your case, I’m actually going to share one for you. I might let you think of another one, but something that really stands out in my mind when you were living with me for that period of time, and we were on it like actually every evening.
00:25:45:09 – 00:26:10:09
And I remember, another friend of ours who again, is no longer with us, passed away, but we were both sitting there with the three of us sitting there, and, you had to go to work. I know in the morning, I don’t know where it was, like 7:00. 6:00 was like, you know, it’s weird because over the years, I’ve said this to you before, I did so many drugs in them days, and I did so many sleep in tablets in them days.
00:26:10:11 – 00:26:27:02
it’s really foggy to me now. Yeah. The clarity of what happened, it you know, I don’t remember a lot of it in all those years for me, whether I mentally shut them out or whether those years for me were just too abusive of drugs, the I’ve got no recollection of them because it was a few times.
00:26:27:02 – 00:26:40:09
It was one day. I do remember that day the will open it. It was a same group of people and and I was like, oh, I’ve got to go work in a bit. I’m going to go put my head down in your Santa. And this is the one I’m thinking, okay, yeah, okay. But and that’s the one with the blood.
00:26:40:11 – 00:26:54:06
Yes. That’s the way. Yeah. Okay. You want to tell the story and I’ll let you tell it. So, so with a 4 or 5:00 in the morning and I’m like, you go got work in the morning and there are other friends going, hey, you go to work in the morning, you know, I’ll be all right. I’m going to phone in sick.
00:26:54:08 – 00:27:08:12
I’m going to phone in sick. Shoes to shoe. Let me off. I need to go to work. So you’ve gone up. Down to the bar, up to the bathroom to get ready for work. It’s like 7:00 in the morning. We’ve had no sleep. There’s. We still sit at the table. You come down. There’s blood coming down here from where you’ve been sniffing all night.
00:27:08:12 – 00:27:27:12
Yeah. No, no, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll just pull into work and until I’ve had a really bad night, really bad. And I’ll come home. And I remember getting a phone call at 5:00 in the evening, and you were still there. I’m still here with me. Fucking love. so we certainly have had some of some crazy evenings, over the years.
00:27:27:12 – 00:27:51:23
But tell me, what do you think you lost because of your addiction? I said you’re a I think the worst thing for the financial was one side, you know? You know, money comes, money goes. That’s a massive lesson that I learned in my life. you know, and it’s something that I try and correct now. I, I do save for a rainy day now, I, I’m, you know, I do, invest more.
00:27:52:00 – 00:28:17:19
I do try and safeguard what I’ve got for my, for my family. but I think the worst thing that I lost, as I said, she was, was respect for self. That was the worst thing that happened to me. I was embarrassed, but. But what I’d become, And, you journey now that you’ve traveled through addiction and come out the other side, how do you think has changed you as a person?
00:28:17:21 – 00:28:44:10
it’s maybe a lot. I used to think, I just, I think I was fucking invincible, in all honesty. and this this all wraps up to to to my depression. You know, I think the, you know, I still seek a lot of help for my depression, a gospel counseling therapy for it, and and to try and understand and get clarity of why I react to a lot of situations the way I do.
00:28:44:12 – 00:29:06:10
I’m quite self-destructive and quite a self-destructive person. And over the years, I, felt that I was indestructible or a lot of people saw me in destructive, but I don’t think I was. I think that what I’ve learned, I think I was quite unstable, and I think I came across indestructible because I wanted someone to beat me.
00:29:06:16 – 00:29:24:16
Yeah. what I found what the lesson I really learned from all this was. Do you know what? I’m actually not that strong mentally as I thought I was. I thought, I think I was more cold and detached. but I think that’s what people saw on the outside. Yeah, people saw me as a very cold and attached.
00:29:24:16 – 00:29:37:01
And I think they saw me as an arrogant person. And listen, we used to go into the pub, you and I. Yeah, and not be rocking out from the table, but almost. And people would be up to me in the pub gun you fucking, you might say in Nazi like don’t talk to no one. He’s like he’s off the hinges.
00:29:37:01 – 00:29:57:23
And it’s like they don’t, they don’t read you because they don’t know you. They just see the external. Yeah. And you come across quiet. Stay the fuck away. Yeah. and I think that, you know, learning, understanding that now, you know, that’s my kind of safeguard. That’s my that’s my safe place. You know, I hide behind a wall of of of, you know, being quiet, arrogant and detached.
00:29:58:00 – 00:30:17:22
I think inside the people that know me know that, you know, I’m actually a people for me. Actually quite funny sometimes, but, not for sure I’m going to agree with that. But, but yeah, I think I think in all honesty, the biggest lesson I learned from all this was that I am vulnerable. I can fall.
00:30:17:22 – 00:30:41:20
I did fall a long way. and interestingly, I managed to put myself back out. At what point did you see that? Did you see that during or after all the way through? Even while doing it, you still saw that in yourself? What? I do it at the times I was doing it, it got to the stage where, as I said to you, I was so embarrassed, but I didn’t know what else to do.
00:30:41:20 – 00:31:02:16
I don’t think, you know, there were a lot of times I can I yeah, I, I probably I, you know, there was a lot of times that I just, it was just a really vague existence for me. And what do you do to help maintain a clean lifestyle now I work, yeah. It’s interesting because I asked someone else this recently.
00:31:02:16 – 00:31:17:20
I was like, well, you go pro I do to to to stay clean. And, and she, she was like, you work people, you don’t stop working to to those who don’t know, you expand what that means, because I know what that means. I’m a workaholic. You’ve got a day job. Yeah, I know it’ll. A day job.
00:31:17:20 – 00:31:38:16
Yeah, I, you know, I run a, I co-own a, a portfolio in nightclubs, which was something, you know, coming from the coming through the doors that I, you know, I worked doors for so many years. I saw how they run. And, you know, I then, you know, initially, you know, years ago, me and my brother started a business of bars.
00:31:38:17 – 00:32:04:17
And, you know, we we both went our separate ways. and it was kind of at that point, I then, you know, finances into my addiction. and when my daughter was born, I wanted more for her. so I decided to go again. And, you know, I, you know, I’ve got shareholders that we work very closely together and, some of some of which you’ve been friends for a lot years and,
00:32:04:19 – 00:32:32:15
Yeah, I, we built a business together, through, you know, a wealth of everyone’s different knowledge of what we do, you know, so really successful business. Now, what would you say to somebody who’s struggling with addiction to cocaine or alcohol or something else? what advice would you give to them? I think everybody’s different. I think the way that I managed to get clean up, the way I was so fortunate, is I had that one person who took me away from that environment.
00:32:32:17 – 00:32:51:07
I went to live in a different town, you know, let’s be honest, when we were all close, we all lived in Luton. We all lived a stone’s throw from each other. We had 24 hour drug dealers that were dropped. Actually, there was a witch. You remember the witching hour? There was right there. So there was some drug dealers that would finish about 5:00 in the morning.
00:32:51:09 – 00:33:03:13
And there was and they would turn their phone off. And there was also some drug dealers that would turn their phone on about 8:00 in the morning. So I was like, ls ls we come to the witching hour. All right. So we need to get 5 or 6 tickets in to see us through the dry patch. All right.
00:33:03:15 – 00:33:14:20
So it was all planning and I like to think I’m going to touch a person, so it’s all right. Okay. This get 3 or 4 tickets in and that’s that will see you through that spell. And then if we’re still going to carry on I talk in the morning. I know, so I just I just told you to vote on it.
00:33:14:22 – 00:33:37:12
I’ll tell you what I do remember. I do remember, five, six, 7:00 in the morning. I don’t know what time it was, but very early hours when we’d run out. And for some reason, and we know a lot of people know it was nobody about, you know, where I’m going with this. Yeah. It was like cotton wool, cotton wool, cotton wool, you know, you know, might that, you know, and I know.
00:33:37:12 – 00:33:54:16
Right. The, the, you know, the witching hour was upon us. And if you if you don’t plan it properly, then you know, you’re only going to get older. Shit. And I think we got comfortable. We were twisted to I don’t think and driving around try to find try and find some random drug dealer. We did and we found one.
00:33:54:18 – 00:34:12:03
We did. I mean, I think it was West Mill Wine Hitchin. And it was not Carmel. Yeah. it probably was called candyfloss. Probably. But, I mean, yeah, we yeah, it was interesting one, I think in all honesty, like. Yeah, there were, there were times or do you remember those times where I used to grind up fucking proplus.
00:34:12:04 – 00:34:42:23
Yes, I do, and, just to keep me going through the day like sniffing pro plus. Yeah, 100%. It’s interesting now because being, an owner of multiple nightclubs, which is a place that people go and use drugs, alcohol, how do you find that being a club owner and being in an environment? Okay, I know you don’t have it blatantly in here like we used to do, but even so, in that period that I was getting cleaner, that was that wasn’t like an overnight thing.
00:34:43:00 – 00:35:05:09
that was, you know, I, you know, I did go pretty much cold turkey. there were, you know, Netflix was starting to come out in these days and there was live films on it or documentaries like, was it Cocaine Cowboys? Put on one day like I couldn’t watch it. I’d have to turn off like it’s just I’m starting to twitch and,
00:35:05:11 – 00:35:22:02
Yeah, there were things that would trigger me if we talked. It’s like all of us, we would say, let’s have a clean day. Let’s not do no gear today in this. I’ve just, you know, let’s go out for coffee. Let’s go out for somewhere to lunch. We go out for lunch, we sit there and we sort of start talking about last night, the night before and before, you know, it went off.
00:35:22:02 – 00:35:44:19
Just fucking order one. Yep. I mean, that’s exactly what happened. Yeah. And because you’re talking about it, it comes in your head and it’s a natural trigger. And I, you know, for me, I had to get out of that environment or I, you know, you know, and I know I walked away from some really close friends, for a couple of years just to try and give myself an opportunity to get clean.
00:35:44:21 – 00:36:04:17
and. Yeah. And I, you know, I, I had someone who took me in and she was a, you know, a really, like, a real mother figure. You know, we’re still very close now. but, yeah, she, you know, she took me in as she got the opportunity to get clean, and and none of this would be possible without.
00:36:04:17 – 00:36:25:02
I gave you the opportunity to. But you did it. Yeah, and that’s the thing. You did it. I was again, I was lucky, I was very, very lucky. because it could have gone, you know, could have gone a very different way. Pete, thank you for coming clean with me. Thanks for having me.